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Parenting Wisely Newsletter
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In the essay below, family practitioner and Family Works, Inc. associate Robert Pushak provides helpful insights into discipline and the dynamics of threats and coercion--a must read for anyone who has ever raised his/her voice in anger. Learn what parenting skills from Parenting Wisely are all about, as Pushak explores "Delinquency Training". Also learn more about our new online parenting programs and their success and application. Plus, get the latest new on the upcoming Children in the Middle Online program from the Center for Divorce Education. ______________________________________________________________________________________________
"I hate watching how she treats you. She has no respect and walks all over you," declared Heather's new partner Dave in his usual fashion. "Look, just let me help you. I can teach your little princess what respect means," he continued. Heather was at her wits end; her thirteen-year-old daughter Christine had been fighting with her all day, and she was now verging on a breakdown. After the day's screaming match with her daughter, Heather felt like crying. She had a headache; her four-year-old son Jaime was crying after a run-in with his distraught older sister; and Heather just needed a break. Although she had some reservations about asking Dave to play a larger role with discipline, she couldn't do it on her own. Heather hesitated, sighed, and dialled Dave's number. Dave was driving a truck two hours away, but to Heather's relief and chagrin, he said resolutely, "I'm coming." When Dave arrived, he immediately took Christine by the shoulders and forced her into a reclining position on the couch. "You ungrateful little bitch!" snarled Dave right into Christine's horror struck face, "You don't appreciate anything your mother does for you. I'm sick and tired of your arrogant, snotty behaviour." To Christine and her mother's shock, Dave's rant continued for another fifteen minutes. As I'm training service providers, I pause at this point in the story and ask people to guess what happens next. Occasionally someone comes up with the right answer: Christine behaved well for the next two weeks. Encouraged by Christine's momentary compliance, Dave took the opportunity to validate his approach, "Yeah see," he pointed out to Heather, "I told you I could straighten her out." Heather had to admit Christine's behaviour had improved. Unfortunately, utilizing coercive or harsh punishments often appears to be effective in the beginning, but this approach often has negative long-term results. If people frequently engage in coercive behaviour as a way of influencing others, they will find that these behaviours escalate to more severe forms over time. Imagine a scenario where a parent politely asks a child to do something and the child does not respond. The parent may repeat the request several times without any cooperation. Many parents will resort to raising their voices at this point. If children are not accustomed to being yelled or shouted at, they may be more cooperative, at least in the beginning. If children do cooperate, however, they are reinforcing their parent's use of yelling. Without really thinking about it, the parent is now likely to yell more frequently in the future. One mother told me that she no longer uses a normal voice with her six-year-old daughter. Since her daughter would only listen or cooperate if her mother was yelling or screaming, eventually her mother ended up screaming at her all the time. Over time this behaviour becomes less and less effective. Children get used to it and simply tune it out. If yelling ceases to be effective, parents may then resort to threats. In the beginning, the use of threats may also temporarily result in better cooperation. Over time, however, frequent use of threats also tends to be ineffective. This is especially true if the threats are vague, as with a statement like, "You better do what I say, or else." Some children may refuse to cooperate just to find out what their parents will do. At this point, when threats lose their power, parents may feel trapped in a dilemma. They can either give-in and let the child get away with non-compliance, or they must up the stakes and resort to physical force to compel compliance. Either way, they are now in a bad situation. If parents do give in to their children, they are unintentionally rewarding the children's non-compliance. The children have learned that if they hang on long enough or put up a big enough fuss, they can escape doing something they would rather not do. When children respond to parental requests by using coercive behaviors, such as crying or having a tantrum, and parents terminate their request, this unintentionally rewards the child's use of coercive behavior and encourages the child to repeat such behaviors. On the other hand, if parents resort to physical aggression to force compliance, they are role-modeling coercive and aggressive behavior. The child may then learn that coercion and physical aggression are effective ways to get what they want from others. This easily leads children into bullying other children. This tendency for coercive behavior to escalate overtime also takes place between spouses or partners. Physical violence between partners does not usually occur suddenly without any precipitating coercive interactions. Often a similar gradual increase of negative and hostile behaviours between couples occurs. Learning to use communication and problem solving skills can help both couples and the whole family to avoid a pattern of interactions that leads to violence. Researchers call the escalation of coercion "delinquency training." Coercive interactions occur in all families some of the time, but are particularly prevalent in families with children that develop behavior problems. When parents make a request, they can avoid coercive interactions by thinking ahead about what consequence they will implement if the child does not cooperate. Having a plan will help parents stay focused and calm. Parents should only give a command twice. Repeating a request more than this is nagging. If parents need to repeat the request, they can state that the child has a choice: either to cooperate with the request or receive a consequence. The use of the words, "you have a choice," can be used as a signal to the child that the parent is prepared to follow through. This statement, expressed with a calm and confident tone of voice, is a much more effective and healthier way to communicate that one means business than yelling or using threats. Parents do not always need to force their children into compliance. If a child refuses to cooperate, the parent can follow through by removing a privilege for a short period. Even if the child states that they don't care about the consequence, a message has been sent that uncooperative or irresponsible behavior results in a consequence. Consistently using small message consequences has a more positive impact on healthy child development than forcing children to be obedient with harsh consequences. Another mother told me she that had no difficulty getting her son to be obedient. She stated she was consistent with her use of discipline and she spanked him hard if he misbehaved. She indicated that it was the teachers at school who were the problem. She believed if the teachers were competent, her son's behavior and bullying at school would be less of a problem. Unfortunately, this mother did not realize that her harsh discipline was teaching her son that might makes right and that physical aggression is an effective way to get others to do what you want. She called me a few years later asking for help. Her son was now bigger than her. And now he was hitting her. Back in our story about Christine, Dave found that his use of intimidation and coercion gradually became less effective. A few months later, he resorted to physical aggression and slapped Christine in the face. At that point, Heather gave Dave an ultimatum: "Leave now or I will call the cops." It is now two years later. Dave is long gone. Christine used to be a good student and was reasonably well behaved at school, but things had changed. She got into a disagreement with a teacher over a trivial issue that escalated into one of the extreme fights she has regularly with her mother. She was expelled and sent to an alternate school where she began hanging out with a deviant peer group. Her behavior problems are now more entrenched and more severe. I have recently started working again with Heather; however, I'm not sure if we will succeed in turning Christine's behavior around, but we have made substantial progress with her six-year-old brother Jaime. Therapy is a helpful way to work through conflicts such as these, but it is not always necessary. Parents can also avoid coercive interactions by increasing their use of positive parenting strategies, such as praise and reward programs. A great deal has been learned in the last two decades about how to increase the effectiveness of positive parenting skills. In addition, great progress has been made in the field of effective discipline methods that steer parents away from "delinquency training." Parenting Wisely is one evidence-based parent education program that has been shown to be effective in significantly reducing "delinquency training" in high-risk families. You can learn more about Parenting Wisely at http://www.familyworksinc.com. __________________________________________________________________________________________
Checkout our updated website with more helpful content and features. You can now sign-up for our email list to receive more specific product information--learn about the benefits of evidence-based learning, the implications of our SAMHSA Model Program ranking, explore the new products and features we have to offer, and more. Also remember that all of the skills and strategies outlined in the above essay are now easily and affordable accessible through our interactive online parenting skills program. Learn more about this new option in parent education below. More on PW Online PW Online is the next step in learning innovation. The new format provides the convenience and accessibility necessary to get parents involved. On any internet ready computer, parents can now access the skills and information they need to responsibly manage their families. From home, office, or any public computer, PW Online can be used at their leisure. Starting and stopping as they have time, parents no longer have any excuses. This program provides individuals with the comfort and anonymity they need to learn in private, and gives agencies a tool to reach even the most apprehensive parents. The program is easy to navigate and requires no previous computer skills.
Directions are read aloud and the entire program is narrated. What's
more, completion of the program takes as little as two to three hours.
In one session, parents will learn powerful communication skills and
tested parenting strategies that will truly change their Positioning the program online has made it more accessible, but also more affordable. Avoid the time, energy, and expense of running parent education classes. Skip the expensive training seminars and workshops. Foreget about hiring a team of employees, and run an effective parent education program from the comfort of you own computer. Truly easy to operate, PW Online is the most affordable and effective way to reach parents throughout the community. Several agencies have worked with us through the initial stages of this program and the kinks and bugs have been worked out. We now wish to encourage anyone interested to try out the program for themselves. Contact lombard@familyworksinc.com to set up a test account. Here is how it works... Upon purchase of an individual online subscription an account will be created for you, giving you access to the Parenting Wisely program. You will be emailed a welcome message with your login and password and guided to simple instructions and help documentation. Login and enjoy an interactive learning experience. Or if you are purchasing multiple subscriptions, an agency administrative account will be created for you. Logging into the agency admin section allows you to create user accounts for others (the system automatically emails them their login and password in a welcome message and explains how to use the program), also allows you to monitor and track the progress of all users, and to edit and modify user information and passwords. Help documentation makes it an easy process, and we have staff standing by if any unforeseen problems arise. That is all there is to it--create an account in the admin. section, enter the parent's email address, and then PW online takes over for you. Monitor the results, and watch as you positively change your community. __________________________________________________________________________________________
Children in the Middle Online Think PW Online sounds like a good program, well now we are creating the same convenient and affordable format for the Center for Divorce Education's Children in the middle program. Designed to help ease the impact of divorce related stress on children, to facillitate open communication and dialogue between parents, and to keep children from getting caught in the middle of parental conflict and strife, Children in the Middle is evidence-based and the only divorce education program to earn the ranking as a SAMHSA Model Program. An ideal court ordered program or helpful tool for any couple experiencing conflict from separation or divorce. Check it out at http://www.divorce-education.com. Thanks for reading this quarters newsletter.
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